Helpers who need to be needed
People of this personality type essentially feel that they are worthy insofar as they are helpful to others. Love is their highest ideal. Selflessness is their duty. Giving to others is their reason for being. Involved, socially aware, usually extroverted, Twos are the type of people who remember everyone's birthday and who go the extra mile to help out a co-worker, spouse or friend in need.
Twos are warm, emotional people who care a great deal about their personal relationships, devote an enormous amount of energy to them, and who expect to be appreciated for their efforts. They are practical people who thrive in the helping professions and who know how to make a home comfortable and inviting. Helping others makes Twos feel good about themselves; being needed makes them feel important; being selfless, makes Twos feel virtuous. Much of a Two's self-image revolves around these issues, and any threat to that self-image is scarcely tolerated. Twos are thoroughly convinced of their selflessness, and it is true that they are frequently genuinely helpful and concerned about others. It is equally true, however, that Twos require appreciation; they need to be needed. Their love is not entirely without ulterior motive.
Twos often develop a sense of entitlement when it comes to the people closest to them. Because they have extended themselves for others, they begin to feel that gratitude is owed to them. They can become intrusive and demanding if their often unacknowledged emotional needs go unmet. They can be bossy and manipulative, feeling entirely justified in being so, because they "have earned the right" and their intentions are good. The darkest side of the type Two fixation appears when the Two begins to feel that they will never receive the love they deserve for all of their efforts. Under such circumstances, they can become hysterical, irrational and even abusive.
Because Twos are generally helping others meet their needs, they can forget to take care of their own. This can lead to physical burnout, emotional exhaustion and emotional volatility. Twos need to learn that they can only be of true service to others if they are healthy, balanced and centered in themselves.
Twos can mistype themselves if they are not in an obvious helper role in their professional lives; they might not recognize the extent of their involvement in assisting others. This is especially true for male Twos, who have not received the same social rewards for helping as female Twos receive. Male Twos frequently mistype as Ones or Threes, the wings of type Two. Females, of all types, are bound to recognize some of the dynamics of type Two in their personalities, as such qualities have been socially reinforced. Female Nines, for instance, are especially prone to mistyping as Twos, particularly if they are the mothers of small children. But Nines are self-effacing and humble; Twos are proud and have a strong sense of their own worth.
At
their best:
Unselfish, altruistic, adaptable, enthusiastic, tuned in to how people feel,
they can have unconditional love for others.
At
their worst:
Martyrlike, possessive, manipulative, indirect, overly accommodating, overly
demonstrative, hysterical, they can be too intrusive.
What do I think
of Myself?
1. I feel I'm always the one who's reaching out and giving. 2. Helping comes
naturally to me. 3.
People
can get close to me. 4.
I
often feel empty inside. 5.
I
have the feeling that I'm not appreciated most of the time. 6. I'm the counsellor, advice‑giver and sympathizer all rolled into one. 7. Being needed is
important to me.
8.I
can always be counted on to come
to the rescue in
a crisis.
9. Even my free time
is given over to others. 10.
Caring
is my one big preoccupation. 11.
I
like to think I'm self‑sufficient.
12.
I'm a flatterer.
13. I'd much rather give than receive. 14. It's possible that others think I'm very emotional. 15. Sometimes
other people just "use" me, and it gets to me. 16. I prefer not
to dwell on my own needs and
wants. 17. If I'm honest, I know I have a "martyr complex.” 18. I feel good about
myself when I help meet others’
needs.
19. I'm proud of my service to others.
20.
I resent my time being taken from me.
21.
I don't get openly angry, but I do tend to
manipulate. 22. I can become quite aggressive when people go against me. 23. My own needs are secondary to those of others. 24. People aren't
always grateful for the
trouble I take on their behalf. 25. I like to
compliment people.
What do I miss
because of my distorted style?
1) The joy of receiving without having to earn what is given;
the experience of grace. 2) Letting
others feel good by giving to me. 3)
Sense of worth based on who I am as against what I can give. 4) Inner sense of approval and security as
opposed to seeking approval from outside; inner freedom from need for external
validation. 5) Being really known by
someone else -including my needs and vulnerabilities; experience of intimacy in
a reciprocal relationship; I don't have to be in control through helping.
TWOS with a stronger ONE wing
tend to be more idealistic, objective, self-critical, and judgmental. TWOS with
a stronger THREE wing tend to be more self-assured, ambitious, outgoing, and
competitive.
TWOS
with ONES
Traits
conflict- Over-responsibility
-concern for people -concern
for tasks
-emotional & involved with people -rational & impersonal
Balancing}-always "yes"
----------------------> -sometimes
"No"
Points: } -always
the "other" ----------------> -sometimes
"me"
-people over task
------------------> -sense
of responsibility
TWOS with THREES
Traits
reinforce: Relational
over-estimation
-need to be needed -need
to be liked
Balancing}-one-to-one ------------------------> -social dimensions
Points: } -dependent
--------------------------> -independent
-people-oriented
-------------------> -success-oriented
When TWOS move towards the positive side of FOUR, they:
-admit and accept their
painful feelings, including anger, sadness, and loneliness
-express themselves more
creatively and artistically; explore their inner world
-express their own needs more,
including saying no
-find other sources of
self-worth besides helping
-learn to be alone and become
more contemplative
When TWOS move towards the negative side of FOUR, they compare themselves with others,
lament, and feel envious, become more self-absorbed, withdrawn, and depressed.
When TWOS move toward the
negative side of EIGHT, they
-stop being kind and loving;
become irritable and attack sharply
-become hardened, distrustful,
and isolated
-blame and make demands
-become controlling: try to
take charge of everyone and everything.
When TWOS move toward the positive side of EIGHT they feel more self-confident and
powerful, become more honest and straightforward and become less concerned with
others' opinions of them.
1) Get in touch with your own feelings, wants and needs, so that you can accept
yourself as you really are. You are generally bad at recognising your own
needs. Give yourself permission to take time for yourself.
2)
Learn that love cannot be bought or
earned. You must curb your tendency to call
attention to yourself by reminding others of the good you have done for them.
Give because you want to and not because you need appreciation and approval in
return.
3) Know that you
are loveable for who you are.
Your identity is so bound up with what others think of you that any change in
belief will take time. Develop a consistent self that doesn't alter to meet
others' wishes and needs. Negotiate with others as an equal; you are good at
helping others express their needs.
4) Appreciate
your real worth
and understand that you do not have to gain approval by being either helpful
or helpless. Your goal is partnership,
not manipulation. Say no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes. Take a
realistic accounting of your assets and limitations and own both. Develop your
creative, self-expressive side (as opposed to being self-effacing)
5) Help others
without ulterior motives.
You must not expect favours or expressions of gratitude for what you have done.
Allow others take care of themselves. Ask others for help directly as opposed
to indirectly through helping them.
1. I now release all feelings of rage and
resentment toward others.
2. I NOW RELEASE all attempts to justify
my aggressive feelings.
3. I NOW RELEASE all attachment to
feeling victimised and abused.
4. I NOW RELEASE the fear that I am
unwanted and unloved.
5. I NOW RELEASE all attempts to force
others to love me.
6. I NOW RELEASE making others feel
guilty for not responding sufficiently to my needs.
7. I NOW RELEASE abusing food and
medications to make up for my loneliness.
8. I NOW RELEASE feeling that others owe
me for the things I have chosen to do for them.
9. I NOW RELEASE believing that no one
willingly takes care of me.
10. I NOW RELEASE expecting others to
repay my help in the way I want.
11. I NOW RELEASE all physical ailments,
aches, and complaints.
12. I NOW RELEASE calling attention to
what I have done for others.
13. I NOW RELEASE feeling possessive of
loved ones.
14. I NOW RELEASE doing things for others
to make myself needed.
15. I NOW RELEASE flattering others to
make them feel good about me.
16. I NOW RELEASE not wanting to
acknowledge my negative feelings.
17. I now affirm that I own all my feelings
without fear.
18. I NOW AFFIRM that I am
clear and conscious of my motives.
19. I NOW AFFIRM that I am
loveable for who I am.
20. I NOW AFFIRM that my
happiness does not depend on pleasing others.
21. I NOW AFFIRM that I can
let go of loved ones.
22. I NOW AFFIRM that I nurture
my own growth and development
23. I NOW AFFIRM that I love
others without expecting anything in return.
24. I NOW AFFIRM the joy and
warmth that fills my heart.
25. I NOW AFFIRM my gratitude
for all that others have given me.
A) Lord God, I realise I don=t have a good self-image, and
that I don=t appreciate the gift you have
given me. I know now that I don=t have to keep proving myself,
to you or to anyone else. I don=t have to try so hard to
please all the time. I understand now that love cannot be earned or paid for.
It is always a gift. And most of all, Lord, I realise today that the needs I
perceive in others are often a reflection of those within myself. Give me the
humility to accept that I, too, am in need of help. Christ, have mercy.
B)
Lord God, I thank you for giving me the gift of a
generous heart. Help me to understand that your love for me does not depend on
what I do for other people. Show me how to minister to the needs of others
without losing sight of my own. Allow me to feel in my own wounds the healing
power of your love. Amen.
Suggestions for Number TWO
1. Ask yourself what others really need
and then help them attain it. If you
give people what they really need--not what they necessarily want or what you
think will please them--not only will you be genuinely helpful, but by focusing on real needs you
will avoid getting caught in conflicts
either with others or with yourself.
2. Let the quality of your goodness and
the unselfishness of your service may continue to be what it is whether or not
it attracts people to you or not, as the case may be. Be appreciative of genuine talents and
encourage real strengths. Be generous
and open-handed without concern for a return.
If you are really good, others will surely notice and seek you out. No amount of love will really secure a place
for you in anyone's life if you manoeuvre to get there.
3. Try to become more
conscious of your ulterior motives,
your tendency to control others, your aggressions and sharp tongue, and whatever
other negative elements may be present in your personality. These communicate themselves to others and
are the very traits that frustrate your desire to be close to people.
4. Resist the temptation to
call attention to yourself and your good works.
After you have done something for others, do not remind them about
it. Let it be: either they will remember
your kindness themselves and thank you in their own way or they will not. Your
calling attention to what you have done for them only puts people on the spot
and makes them feel uneasy. It will not
satisfy anyone or improve your relationships.
5. Do not always be
"doing" for people and above all do not try to get people to love you
by giving them either gifts or undeserved praise. On the other hand, do not pointedly withdraw
your service when others do not respond to you as you would like. Do not make what you do for others depend on
how they respond to you. Help others
when they ask for it, especially helping them to become more capable of functioning
on their own.
6. It is tempting to make new
friends and to want to enjoy their company.
While it is exciting to feel the flush of a new love, your service to
those who already, depend on you may suffer.
Moreover, your primary commitments (to community, people of the ministry
for example) must be honoured first before you spend time cultivating new
relationships.
7. It will be helpful for you
to work behind the scenes more, doing things for the good of others, without
their even realising it. Always remember
that it is a privilege to play a part in the lives of others, not something
that you can rightfully claim as your due.
8. Do not be possessive of
your friends; share them with others just as they have shared themselves with
you. Remember: if the love among you is genuine, there will be enough to go around for everyone. Genuine
love is the only commodity that can be given away endlessly without ever
running out.
9. Try to become more aware of
how mixed your real motives might be: often they are fine, of course, although
sometimes your own needs and ego are behind much of what you do for
others. Be sure that your motives for
helping others are as pure and disinterested as possible. It is also important not to hide behind
alleged good intentions if you know that your intentions really are not
completely good. Remember, you will ultimately be judged not by what you say your
intentions are but by what you actually do.
10. To love others selflessly
is an extraordinary achievement--one of human nature's very highest
powers. If you have achieved the ability
to love others unselfishly, you are already an extraordinary individual. If you develop your great capacity to care
about others, you will never go far
wrong--in fact, you will do a great deal of good in life. Others are probably already seeking you out because you possess what everyone
wants: the ability to love and appreciate others for who they are.
1. TWOS experience an inner emptiness that can lead them away from
attending to themselves and avoid the inner journey by reaching out. Ps 103.
Faces them with God's loving acceptance of their frailty.
2. TWOS see themselves as full of inadequacy and others as more worthy
of attention. Lk 1: 5-25. Zechariah's disbelief of God's graciousness
to him.
3. TWOS often give out of a need to feel good about themselves. Lk 17:7-10.
A call to humble, simple giving for the right reasons.
4. TWOS feel they will be liked only if they give. Their identity is tied into their
giving. Rm 12: 3-13. Speaks of the humility and charity which
should mark all giving.
5. TWOS find it hard to receive.
Jn 13: 1-16. Let Jesus wash your
feet. How does it feel?
6. TWOS can be aggressive in relationships. Jn 6: 59-71.
Jesus' freedom in letting others come or go.
7. TWOS can be controlling. I
Th 5: 19-22. Never suppress the
Spirit. Think before you act.
8. TWOS can feel unappreciated and misunderstood. 2 Th 3:13. Never tire of doing good.
9. TWOS deal with a lot of unowned anger. Their worldview includes the expectation that
all should be caring for and protecting others.
I Th 5: 14-18. Be patient with
the weak who do not see what you see.
10. TWOS feel guilty that they have needs. Mt 26: 36-46.
Jesus showed his need and fear to his disciples and asked for their
support.
11. TWOS are self-sufficient. 1 S 2: 1 -IO. Prayer of Hannah. She recognised her need for God.
12. TWOS lack genuine warmth.
Mk 5: 35-43. The genuine warmth
of Jesus with the little girl.
13. TWOS find intimacy difficult. Everyone is their friend. Jn 14:23 -31
describes Jesus' intimate
his sharing of himself with
those closest to him, disciples.
14. TWOS are flatterers. Pr 29:5.
The flatterer sets a net for another's feet.
15. TWOS are advice givers.
16. TWOS do not always follow
through on their promises. 2 Cor 7: 1-4.
Reflect on what it means to have a basis for hope, to know that promises
made will be fulfilled.
17. TWOS can have a "martyr complex." Rm 15:1-6
. All are called to put up with
difficulties.
18. TWOS resent time taken from them. Mk 1: 32-34.
Even after sunset crowds came to Jesus to be healed.
19. TWOS know what it is to be anxious. Mt 6: 25-34.
Trust in providence.
20. TWOS sometimes become overwhelmed by all
their giving. Lk 10: 38-42. Martha became overwhelmed by all the
serving.
21. TWOS can become hysterical in crises. Mk 4: 35-41.
The storm at sea is a call to trust in the turbulent times.
22. TWOS can be superficial and joke at times
that are serious. Lk 8: 49-56. The crowds laughed at Jesus not realising his
power.
23. TWOS are possessive and try to protect persons
they help from others. Jn 17: 6-11. Jesus recognised that the disciples did not
belong to him.
24. TWOS sometimes scorn persons who are
"too introspective." They tend to overemphasise the practical to the
detriment of the interior. Jn 12: 1-1 1.
In the anointing at
25. TWOS are often stranger to their own feelings
and don't know what is going on inside of them.
Ps 139. Let God look at them and
know their heart. 26. TWOS can be manipulative.
Mk 3: 20-21. Relatives try to
rescue Jesus.
27. TWOS idealise love and sentimentality. I Jn 3: 18-20. Our love is not just to be mere talk.
28. TWOS rescue others in conversation and soothe
them. Jm 3: 13-18. Show your wisdom not in words, but in
humility and good example.
29. TWOS most often are unable to get directly
angry. Mk 8: 31-33. Jesus challenges Peter spontaneously and
directly.
30. TWOS have a false humility and put themselves
down. Ez 34: 11-16. God's goodness to all kinds of people.
31. TWOS
find it extraordinarily difficult to ion. Lk 4: 16-30.
Rejection of Jesus at
32. TWOS are ambitious. Mk 10: 35-40.
Sons of Zebedee go after the best seats!
33. TWOS are always available. They cannot set limits or say no.
Mk 1: 35. See Jesus setting
prayer structures for himself.
B) Giftedness to Rejoice In And Strengthen In Prayer
1.
TWOS are very aware of others' needs in the concrete world of health, education, and sustenance. Mk 5: 25-34.
An on-the-way cure coming out of Jesus' heightened awareness of human
need.
2.
TWOS are considerate of the feelings of others. Ac 9: 26-30. Barnabas' role in introducing Paul to the
apostles who were afraid of him.
3. TWOS express appreciation of
others. Rm 1: 8-15. Paul's Thanksgiving.
4. TWOS possess a free and generous spirit of sharing. Mk 9: 41.
Giving a cup of cold water-
5. TWOS have an innate gift of responding thoughtfully. Mk 10: 46-52.
Cure of Bartimaeus.
6. TWOS nurture others.
Ph 4: 10-20. Paul's gratitude for
the support he has received.
7. TWOS are loyal to those in pain and are aware of the
underdog." Rm 8: 31-39. Fidelity of
God's love.
8. TWOS are sensitive.
9. TWOS are selfless. Mk
6: 30-34. Jesus' willingness to put off
rest to respond to need.
10. TWOS are empathetic. Mk 1: 29-31.
Cure of Peter's mother-in-law.
11. TWOS are gentle and non-threatening. Mk 10:13-16.
Jesus and the children.
12. TWOS are responsible. Mt 26: 17-19.
Speaks of making preparations and attending to detail.
13. TWOS can listen with the heart. Lk 23: 39-43.
Jesus even in his pain listened deeply to the prayer of the good thief.
14. TWOS are orientated toward the individual. Lk 19: 1-10.
Jesus notices Zacchaeus in the crowd.
15. TWOS are really loving persons. Mt 20: 1-16.
Shows the ability to respond to need not just what is deserved.
16. TWOS are appreciative. Lk 7: 1-10.
Jesus appreciates the faith of the centurion.
17. TWOS are supportive. Mk 6: 45-52.
Jesus walking on the water to comfort his apostles.
18. TWOS love the world. Jn 3: 16.
God so loved the world.
19. TWOS can grow to have less need to be the
centre of giving. Lk 14: 7-1 1. Taking a
lower place.
20. TWOS are very aware of the
emotional atmosphere around them. Mt
20: 24-28. Jesus is aware of the strain
among his disciples and responds objectively to it in a teaching.
21. TWOS have a genuine compassion. Lk 6: 36-38.
A call to compassion and generosity.
Reflection & Meditation For Number TWO
Awareness
Deep down I'm proud. That's my brokenness. I feel I'm better than others because I'm generally more caring. I see the needs of others even before they do themselves and do everything I can to help them, sometimes without even being asked. I constantly put myself out to be of service, but I also expect people to recognize and appreciate what I do for them.
However, when I
really think about it, I know that my helpfulness is both a source of
recognition and a way of seeing myself as being of value. I know that what
appears to others as selfless and generous is not entirely so. There are often
strings attached. I exercise pressure indirectly and by stealth. I don't
blatantly seek to manipulate, but I know that what I do is manipulative
nonetheless. Being helpful is my way of getting attention, of asking for love
without putting it into words. It feels good to have people who depend on me.
Their need gives me a sense of being important, useful and worthwhile. It helps
define who I am.
Advice
Our constant concern for others frequently masks the
lack of attention we pay to our own physical, emotional, psychological and
spiritual needs. We help others and neglect ourselves. But if we're always
giving, always active, is there anything for ourselves when at some point we
stop the treadmill? Who fills the emptiness of our personal storehouse?
We need to learn the spiritual truth that "charity begins at home," that without a realistic acceptance of our own woundedness, we cannot even begin to understand the pain of others, let alone help them alleviate it. We have to learn to make the journey inward. In doing so, since we have lived so long with our need to be needed, we shouldn't be surprised to find ourselves acting out of it, even when we've made significant efforts to counter its grip. We need the humility to accept our brokenness and the patience to allow God's love to heal our wounds.
Attention
Since we
undervalue our own needs it is important to find a place (in a family,
community or among friends) where we, too, are looked after. But we also need
to make a space in our day for ourselves alone. During this time it is vital to
concentrate on being rather than doing. First we need to relax. Aromatherapy
may help, or listening to some soothing meditative music. However, this is but
a preparation for our doing some serious inner work. We have to face our own
wounds, our own neediness‑the personal concerns we regularly set aside
for the sake of ministering to others. Having named one, we can pray about it
and offer it to God for healing.
Scripture
Meditation (No. TWO)
1) Luke 10:38‑42
(Martha and Mary)
In God's presence everything is placed in its proper
perspective. Mary is praised because she allows the Lord to minister to her
needs before she ministers to those of others. God has no need of the martyr
complex. Martha manipulatively tries to get Jesus on her side and urges him to
proclaim the importance of service. Instead, she learns that this is but one
value among others. Hospitality, duty and task‑sharing are undoubtedly
important, but only one thing is essential.
2) Mark 12:31 (Love
others as you love yourself)
It is important to put first things first. Charity
begins at home for the good reason that if we are not loving towards ourselves
we cannot possibly be loving towards others. Care, compassion and respect for
the self are essential prerequisites for extending them to others.
3) Mark 10:35‑44
(A lesson in humility)
James and John
let their pride run away with them. They were prepared to suffer anything
provided they got the highest places in the Kingdom. But Jesus reminds us all
that genuine service is not a power‑play. When we look for preferment we
are effectively attached to a false self‑image, one which is
fundamentally empty and in need of shoring up.
4) Mark 14:32‑42
(Facing our inner fears)
Jesus was no stranger to feelings. In
5) Luke 4:42‑44
(The right to say "no")
We need to give proper time to our own spiritual needs
and not allow our compulsive generosity to rule our lives. Saying “ no" to others should not make us feel
guilty. They have no right to the last drop.