Focused on the presentation of success, to attain validation
People of this personality type need to be validated in order to feel worthy; they pursue success and want to be admired. They are frequently hard working, competitive and are highly focused in the pursuit of their goals, whether their goal is to be the most successful salesman in the company or the "sexiest" woman in their social circle. They are often "self-made" and usually find some area in which they can excel and thus find the external approbation which they so desperately need. Threes are socially competent, often extroverted, and sometimes charismatic. They know how to present themselves, are self-confident, practical, and driven. Threes have a lot of energy and often seem to embody a kind of zest for life that others find contagious. They are good net workers who know how to rise through the ranks. But, while Threes do tend to succeed in whatever realm they focus their energies, they are often secretly afraid of being or becoming "losers."
Threes can sometimes find intimacy difficult. Their need to be validated for their image often hides a deep sense of shame about who they really are, a shame they unconsciously fear will be unmasked if another gets too close. Threes are often generous and likable, but are difficult to really know. When unhealthy, their narcissism takes an ugly turn and they can become cold blooded and ruthless in the pursuit of their goals.
Because it is central to the type Three fixation to require external validation, Threes often, consciously and unconsciously, attempt to embody the image of success that is promoted by their culture. Threes get in trouble when they confuse true happiness, which depends on inner states, with the image of happiness which society has promoted. If a Three has a "good" job and an "attractive" mate, she might be willing, through an act of self-deception which is also self-betrayal, to ignore the inner promptings which tell her that neither her job, nor her mate are fulfilling her deeper needs. Even the most "successful" Threes, who generally appear quite happy, often hide a deeply felt sense of meaninglessness. The attainment of the image never quite satisfies.
Threes can sometimes mistype themselves when they mistake the more superficial features of their personalities as indicators of their type. So, for instance, an intellectual Three might mistype as a Five; a Three who is devoted to her role as mother might think she is a Two; a Three in a leadership position might mistype as an Eight and so on. Regardless of the manifestation however, the core of the type Three fixation is the deep need for external validation.
At their best: Self-accepting,
self-propelled, confident, efficient, practical, industrious, everything they
seem to be - role models who inspire others.
At their worst: Deceptive,
narcissistic, pretentious, superficial, overly competitive, they can substitute
efficiency and accomplishments for personal and relational growth.
What do I think of Myself?
1. I move in the
fast lane. 2. I'm a natural when it comes to plans and organization. 3. I like to know where I fit in and what's
expected of me. 4. I am an excellent team worker. 5. My
image is important to me; I like others to see me as a success. 6. I
can lose my identity when over‑involved with work. 7. I live and breathe "success." 8.
Plans can be more important than people.
9. I don't mind boasting about
what I've done or who I've seen, etc.
10. I'm a quick and efficient
worker and am often envied in this regard.
11. I like to keep tabs on the
progress I've made. 12. Failure is to be avoided at all costs. 13. I
find I neglect my inner world. 14. I often have to compromise in order to get
others to come with me. 15. I have no
difficulty in decision making. 16. I
think you need to be successful for others to take notice of you. 17. I am perfectly capable of bending the
truth to suit my purposes. 18. I can be
quite aggressive, especially with people who fail. 19. I
tend to feel inferior if I'm not on top. 20.
I like starting projects and then passing them on to others to
finish. 21. I project a good image; I'd
be great in advertising. 22. I know what
I want and I set out to get it. 23. People mightn't believe it, but I do suffer
from a fair bit of anxiety. 24. I'm very impressed by those who have achieved
a lot in their lives. 25. I emphasize the positive and try not to
remember my failures.
What do I miss because of my distorted style?
1) The security that comes from knowing your worth
is based on your self instead of your productions. 2) Knowing your value doesn't depend on
market conditions, i.e., what others expect of you now. 3) Not being afraid of failing; detachment
from success; doing something because it's worth doing whether it's successful
or not. 4) being the master of your work
s being mastered by your work. 5) the
experience being appreciated for yourself and not for your achievements.
THREES with a more
developed TWO wing tend to be warmer, more encouraging,
sociable, popular, and seductive. THREES with more
developed FOUR wing tend to be more introspective,
sensitive, artistic, imaginative, and pretentious.
THREES with TWOS
Traits reinforce: Relational Over-estimation - extra-ordinary
social skills
-need to be liked -need
to be needed
Balancing}-success image
-------------> -concern
for others
Points
:} -competition
----------------> -working
"with"
-project-oriented -----------> -people-oriented
-independent --------------> -dependent
THREES with FOURS
Traits in conflict: Relational Distance
-superficiality -too
special
-extroverts, popular -introverts,
withdrawn
-well-defended, self-esteem -vulnerable,
low self-esteem
Balancing }-what
"role" is called for--> -genuine
response
Points :} -lack of depth in
self, deal--> -feeling-filled,
real
-energy toward success-----> -energy
toward creativity
When
THREES
move toward the positive side of SIX, they:
-spend more time
with, and become more committed to, family and friends
-value what's
best for the group
-get more in
touch with their feelings
-become more
vulnerable
When THREES move toward the negative side SIX, they become
dependent, and fear being rejected, become more anxious and nervous, and have
trouble making decisions.
When THREES move toward the negative side of NINE, they:
-procrastinate
and become indecisive
-become apathetic
-neglect
themselves and possibly numb themselves with even more work, food, sleep,
alcohol, etc..
-run in circles
working or become less productive
-passive-aggressively
punish people who make them look at their shortcomings
When THREES
move
toward the positive side of NINE they slow side,
relax, and feel more peaceful, become more receptive and start to see life from
a broader point of view.
1) Confront
your deceptions. You can be a
great self-deceiver and so need to learn that appearances are not everything.
Watch changing how you present yourself just to manipulate others.
2) Develop
the virtues of truthfulness and honesty. This involves
not bragging about your achievements, or exaggerating their importance so as to
impress others. Separate yourself from your image. Be trustworthy as well as
competent: the combination makes a good
leader.
3) Slow
down and take stock of your life, especially your relationships, activities,
emotions and values. You need to accept that you are loved for who you are
rather than for what you accomplish. Get in touch with and honour your real
feelings against what you think you should feel in your role. Discover your
lost child and develop the real you.
4) Own
and accept failures. Only an inflated ego needs continual success. Being human makes you
more desirable. Accept failure as part of your life against blaming it on
someone else or calling it something else.
5) Cooperate
rather than compete with others. Once you take
the feelings of others into account, you can do well, without stealing the
limelight always nor putting others down nor making them feel inferior.
1. I now release being obsessed
by my hostile feelings toward others.
2. I NOW RELEASE believing
that sabotaging others will make things better for me.
3. I NOW RELEASE feeling
jealous of others and their good fortune.
4. I NOW RELEASE my fear of
failing and being humiliated.
5. I NOW RELEASE fearing
that I am inadequate and will be rejected.
6. I NOW RELEASE feeling
that I must conceal my mistakes and limitations.
7. I NOW RELEASE closing
down my feelings in order to function.
8. I NOW RELEASE betraying
my own integrity to get the admiration of others.
9. I NOW RELEASE attempting
to misrepresent myself and my abilities.
10. I NOW RELEASE the
grandiose expectations I have of myself.
11. I NOW RELEASE craving
constant attention and affirmation.
12. I NOW RELEASE using
arrogance to compensate for my own insecurity.
13. I NOW RELEASE desiring
to impress others with my performance.
14. I NOW RELEASE concealing
myself behind masks.
15. I NOW RELEASE comparing
myself with others.
16. I NOW RELEASE driving
myself relentlessly to be the best.
17. I now affirm that I have
value regardless of my achievements.
18. I NOW AFFIRM that I am centred and
emotionally available.
19. I NOW AFFIRM that I am caring and have a good
heart.
20. I NOW AFFIRM that I take in the love others
give me.
21. I NOW AFFIRM that I am responsible to those
who look up to me.
22. I NOW AFFIRM that I am happy to work for the
good of others.
23. I NOW AFFIRM that I develop my true talents
by accepting who I am.
24. I NOW AFFIRM that I delight in the
accomplishments and success of others.
25. I NOW AFFIRM that I can reveal my real self
without being afraid.
A) Lord God, you have created me in your image, yet I have spent
much of my life trying to adorn it to my own liking, hiding your beautiful
handiwork under a constant series of masks. Now I know, Lord, that you are
interested in the reality, not in the substitute image. You see my human,
vulnerable face behind my seeming high profile, self-sufficient mask. You have enabled me to get in touch with the tender
side of my heart and taught me that what I achieve in worldly terms is as
nothing to the generosity of your creative
love. Lord, have mercy.
B) Lord God, I thank you for
creating me in your image and blessing me with the drive and energy to succeed.
Help me to realise that achievement isn't everything, and that failure can
often provide more truth than success. Show me how to get beneath the surface
images I love to create to the even more beautiful centre within. Amen.
1. Develop charity and
2. It is essential to be truthful. Be honest with others about your
accomplishments without bragging or exaggerating in any way. Likewise, resist, the temptation to impress
others or inflate your importance. You
will impress people more deeply by being genuine than by bragging about your
successes and accomplishments.
3. Be trustworthy. Make an effort to keep secrets and
confidences and resist any desire to use them for your own advantage. Watch out for any tendency to be duplicitous
or to play people falsely in any way.
4. Develop a social conscience. As part of a social world, you owe your
community much in return for what it gives you. Be aware of your tendency to
feel entitled to get what you want at the expense of others. An unhealthy quality of your type is the
tendency to use others and to take advantage of situations. Be willing to give as much as you get,
perhaps more.
5. In their desire to be accepted by others,
some average Threes conform so much to expectations that they can justly be
called "clones" rather than be regarded as the superior individuals
they see themselves as being. Develop yourself by resisting doing what is
acceptable just to be accepted. Act on your own best talents and develop your
own attitudes and values.
6. Support and encourage others. Instead of looking for attention and
admiration yourself, give your attention and admiration to others, especially
when they deserve it. Paradoxically, you
will feel better about yourself when you learn to appreciate others. Your
relationships will be happier and more satisfying if they are not based on
competition but on co-operation. You
will become even more desirable as a friend when you give as much attention and
affirmation as you receive
7. You have great energy and a good sense of
humour, are good at organising events, and create excitement usually simply by
your presence and high spirits. Use
these qualities for the welfare of the groups you belong to and for individual
members of' it, making sure that they are developing themselves and their best
capabilities.
8. Unfortunately, Threes tend to become
enraged when they feel that others are slighting them in some way. An inflated
sense of self-worth is at the root of their problems in many of their
relationships. If this applies to you,
be aware of how inflated your expectation of acclaim might be. If people find merit in whatever you have accomplished,
they will let you know about it. And if people do not praise you as much as you
would like, it is possible that your achievement is not as grand as you
think. Beware of inflating your
evaluation of what you do and of expecting that others' praise as extravagant
as you would like.
9. If unchecked, the tendency to compete with
others eventually leads to increasing hostility and contempt for them. These tendencies are at the root of many of
your conflicts and the cause of many of your frustrations. You would be a more genuine success in every
area of your life if you could eliminate these negative feelings.
10. As is true of all the types, Threes have
spiritual capacities and must develop themselves into the best persons they
can be. Many of your strengths already
lie in this direction, so follow them.
Do not become distracted by comparing yourself with anyone else or by
fretting about anyone else's success.
When you focus your attention and abilities on doing worthwhile work
(especially when it benefits others), you are well on your way to being your
best, and comparisons with anyone else become completely
beside the point. In short: become your
best self and do not worry about anyone else.
1. THREES are overly concerned with being
successful. Mk 6: 1-6. Jesus is rejected at
2. THREES make great efforts to unite with other
persons but still often feel separate.
Ep 4: 1 -6. A call to unity at the deepest level.
3. THREES can feel inadequate and incapable when
they are not succeeding. Is 30:
15-18. A call to trust in the gracious
God.
4.
THREES tend to view any failure as a personal failure. Lk 19: 41-44.
Jesus weeps over
5. THREES spend too much energy and time in the outer world rather than in the inner
world. Ep 3:14-21. Paul prays for the hidden self to grow
strong.
6.
THREES give an overemphasis to roles and jobs and define themselves by
them. Mk 9: 33-37. Jesus responds to the desire of the disciples
to be the greatest with the servant saying and the image of the child.
7. THREES have an underdeveloped interior
life. They feel a lack of confidence an
d knowledge in this area. Ez 11:
17-21. God gives a heart of flesh to
replace a heart of stone.
8. THREES are fearful of the unknown world
within them and of inner demons. Mk 7:
14-23. Jesus declares that what comes
from inside makes a person unclean. Ps 62.
9.
THREES deal with a lot of anxiety. Hope
in God alone.
10.
THREES tend to brag about their accomplishments, what they have done or whom
they have influenced. Lk 17: 7-10. Jesus speaks of the attitude of humble
service.
11. THREES put too much importance on degrees,
memberships and titles. Jn 15:
9-17. God and Jesus' love, and love for
one another are proclaimed by Jesus.
12. THREES are not always accurate and honest in
speech because of the need to sell themselves or the product. Jn 3: 17-21.
A call to live by and do the truth.
13. THREES can view everything in terms of the
utilitarian. They gain knowledge for the
sake of doing. Ph 4: 6-9. The good, noble, true and pure are values to
be treasured.
14. THREES can allow their plans to become more
important than people. Rm 13: 8-10. Love sums up the commandments of the Law.
15. THREES can behave as not quite present to
people in relationships. Rm 12:
9-10. Love without pretence.
16. THREES can be quite superficial. Jr 31: 33-34.
The new covenant is interior.
17. THREES tend to be abrupt. Mk 10: 13-16.
Jesus, unlike the disciples, can waste time and bless the children.
18. THREES are aggressive. Mt 11: 28-30 presents Jesus as gentle and
humble in heart.
19. THREES can be angry at the inefficiency and
incompetence of others. Ex 34: 6-7
presents God's patience, long suffering and kindness with stubborn
20. THREES tend to decide quickly without
sufficient concern for the consequences.
Mk 6: 17-29. The beheading of John the Baptist. Herod made a promise which he regretted to
Herodias' daughter.
21. THREES can jump ship when the organisation
or project seems to be sinking. Jn 6:
67-71. Some left Jesus after the
Discourse on Bread. He asks: "Do
you want to go away too?" This faces them with the question of loyalty.
22. THREES don't learn from the past. As they don't admit mistakes, they don't
learn from them. 1 Cor 10: 1-13. Warns
them that
23. THREES can name their feelings but don't deal
with them. Mk 4: 35-41. Jesus calms the storm. This passage invites them to ask Jesus to be
with them in the inner storm.
24. THREES find it hard to be vulnerable because they need to keep up the image. 1 Cor
1: 26-2, 5. God chose the weak as followers.
Paul was not afraid to express his own weakness.
25. THREES are competitive. Mt 23: 8-12.
Jesus tells the disciples not to claim titles such as rabbi or teacher,
but simply to glory in being a servant.
26.
THREES have no private s elves, but simply
public faces. Jn 14: 23. Says that God desires to dwell within them.
27. THREES are vain. Mt 23: 5-7.
Jesus criticises the outward display of the scribes and the Pharisees.
28.
THREES have pseudo-feelings. Jn 11:
32-38. Jesus' weeping at the death of
Lazarus, his friend, challenges them.
29.
THREES can simulate the feelings which would be appropriate for the occasion
and also can exaggerate. Rm 12: 15. Calls them to have a real empathy with
others.
30,
THREES can be manipulative and lobby for their Position or stance. Lk 22: 24-27.
Jesus responds to the disciples' desire to be the greatest, which they
discussed at the Last Supper, with a servant saying.
31. THREES can be cold with inefficient people. Mk 12: 41-44.
Confronts them with a Jesus who contemplates the widow who gave the
mite.
32. THREES can make even prayer an achievement
and highly organise it. Rm 8:
26-27. Reminds them that the Spirit is
the source of our prayer and is present in the midst of our weakness.
33. THREES will argue a topic and find themselves
unable to admit that they don't know something.
Lk 6: 39. Relates the Parable of
the blind guide.
1. THREES have confidence. Ps 13 1. Invites to a childlike trust in God.
2. THREES are
self-assured and Popular personalities.
They know how to be "in." I Jn 4: 7-10. Grounds this in God's love.
3. THREES are
community builders. Ep 4: 7-16. Calls to build the Body of Christ.
4. THREES get
things done, finish the task. Mt 14:
13-21. They can ponder Jesus feeding the
crowd with bread.
5. THREES are able to set personal goals and make
decisions quickly. Mt 9: 35-10:1. Jesus feels the distress of the crowds and
sends out the Twelve.
6. THREES can
facilitate others in their setting h 1: 3-1 1. Paul's Thanksgiving and Prayer
heart invites them to even deeper connectedness with others.
7. THREES have instinctive gifts of appraising
asks and knowing the direction of movements.
Lk 6: 12-16. Shows Jesus choosing
the Twelve out of a con text of prayer.
This context too would deepen their gift.
8. THREES are able to articulate easily. Jm 1: 22-25.
Challenges with the image of the mirror a listening to the Word and
acting upon it. Words are not enough.
9. THREES, who are in touch with
themselves, present to their inner
world, are able to be sensitively present to others and caring. Lk 7: 36-50.
Jesus shows great sensitivity in forgiving the woman who was a sinner.
10. THREES possess great organisational ability
and make good administrators. Lk 12:
35-48. The Parable and sayings on being
a faithful servant encourage them to a responsible use of their gift.
11.
THREES see life in terms of connecting and belonging. The group and its destiny are important to
them. Jn 17. Containing Jesus' prayer for the community of
disciples can strengthen this disposition.
12.
THREES have a power of persuasion that can influence others. Jn 1: 35-39.
This call of the two disciples invites them to contemplate the attractiveness
and persuasiveness of Jesus.
13.
THREES have a capacity to facilitate the interaction of people. Lk 14: 12-14.
Speaks about choosing guests to invite to a dinner. It challenges them
to be attentive to the seemingly unimportant persons with their gifts.
14. THREES are energetic. I Cor 3: 5-9. Reminds them that it is God who is working through them.
15. THREES can be a positive force for building
up any area with which they are connected and are efficient. Lk 19: 1-10.
Jesus brings salvation house of Zacchaeus, the tax collector. The story can invite them to allow his
transforming presence into their inner world.
16. THREES are enthusiastic. Mt 12: 33-37.
Words reveal the quality of the heart.
The sayings remind them that good things come from inner goodness.
17. THREES are pragmatic and sensate. Lk 16: 1-8.
The Parable of the crafty steward reminds them to use their pragmatic
sense in the service of God's values.
18. THREES are available and generous. I Cor 13. Describes the quality of love.
19. THREES have the capacity to delegate. They can turn over the responsibility until
the thing is required. Ac 6: 1-7. Shows the apostles delegating the appointment
of the seven who would serve at table, while they continued the ministry of the
word.
20. THREES know how to economise with money and
time. Ga 6: 7-10. Speaks of the benefit of living in the Spirit
and encourages not to grow tired of doing good.
Reflection & Meditation
For Number THREE
Deep down I'm deceitful. That's my brokenness. I cover it up so that it's even hidden from myself. I'm radically out of touch with my innermost depths of feeling and love. I keep myself constantly busy so as not to have to face my real self. I am skilled at covering up, at showing a different face for every possible occasion. Pretense comes naturally to me, as I strive to be a winner in everything I do.
I court success, security and prestige because I'm
afraid of failure. I don't stop long enough to face the truth behind the masks
of my own making. I know I need to learn the success of apparent failure and
the failure of what sometimes looks like success. I need to absorb the lesson
of the cross, the glory of failure, the economy of grace.
I'm ever restless, always on the move, never still. I
prefer to be a moving target rather than a sitting duck. I give the impression
that I have made it, that everything comes so easily to me. But in reality, I'm
living a lie.
Risking the self‑revelation and self‑giving of love takes time. Our defenses have been built up over many years. Deceit is not healed in a day. The failures we experience as we grow in a spirituality of radical truthfulness should be an encouragement to us that we are moving in the direction of wholeness. For us the movement is from the external to the internal. What we do is undoubtedly important, but what we are is vital. Like all other personality types we have to keep a proper balance between being and doing.
Since we tend to be out of touch with our emotions it is important to tap this source of energy in prayer. Generally we find that our emotions slow us down and don't allow us to be as productive and efficient as we want to be. But prayer is more about presence than productivity, about wasting time creatively rather than having something to show for it. Far from being boring, such time‑wasting can prove to be deeply energizing. Using music and posture to introduce us to the stillness of our center can be very helpful. Also, since movement is one of our strengths, why not harness it in our prayer? Dance, drama or simple repetitive movement may be useful here.
1) John 8:32 (The
truth will set us free)
Our
constant movement may seduce us into thinking that we are genuinely free
spirits. However, true freedom consists not in running away, but in standing
one's ground. It is not pretense but honesty. Truth, not the sophisticated
veneer of self-deception, is what will make us free.
2)
Luke 9:46‑48 (Who is the greatest
in the Kingdom?)
Position,
prestige and privilege cut no ice with Jesus. Our emphasis on the significant
roles we play does not impress him. What does get through is a childlike heart‑the
ability to live life without duplicity.
3)
Luke 18:9‑14 (The Pharisee and the
publican)
Never
mind the quality, feel the width! We are well able to show off, to boast about
our achievements, to imagine that once we have successfully managed our image
we have somehow made it. But God is not impressed by the vanity of
self-advertisement. If we pray like that we will end up like the Pharisee‑talking
to ourselves.
4)
John 6:63‑71 (The loyalty of the
true follower)
When
we truly believe, we must be prepared to be faithful. We have difficulty with
that. We are inclined to abandon projects in mid‑stream if there is a
danger that their failure will tarnish our image. We need reminding that if we
don't stand for something, we are in danger of falling for anything.
5)
John 15.13‑17 (Love is the key)
God
judges us on the quality of our love, not on who we know or what our
qualifications are. We need friendship in our lives. We need to see God as a
loving friend, who knows our weakness and chooses us regardless. We are called
to go beyond the exterior in our dealings with others, so that our love is both
true and sincere.