Identity seekers, who feel unique and different
People of this personality type tend to build their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow different or unique; they are thus self-consciously individualistic. Fours tend to see their difference from others as being both a gift and a curse - a gift, because it sets them apart from those they perceive as being somehow "common," and a curse, as it so often seems to separate them from the simpler forms of happiness that others so readily seem to enjoy. Thus, Fours can manage to feel superior to others while also secretly harbouring some degree of longing and envy. A feeling of being a member of the "true aristocracy" alternates with deep feelings of shame, and fears of somehow being deeply flawed or defective.
Fours are emotionally complex and highly sensitive. They long to be understood and appreciated for their authentic selves, but easily feel misunderstood and unappreciated. They have a tendency to withdraw in the face of a world that seems harsh or crude, and are often somewhat moody or temperamental. They are emotionally centred and spend much of their lives immersed in their internal mental landscapes, where they feel free to cultivate and analyse their feelings. A desire to manifest this internal world often leads Fours to an interest in the arts, and some do become actual artists. Whether artistic or not, however, most Fours are aesthetically sensitive and concerned with self-expression and self-revelation, whether it be in the clothes they wear or in the overall nature of their often idiosyncratic lifestyles.
Fours are somewhat melancholic by disposition, and under stress tend to lapse into depression. They also tend to be self-absorbed, even under the best of circumstances, but when unbalanced, easily give way to a self-indulgence which they perceive as being fully justified as a way to compensate for the general lack of pleasure they experience in their lives. Rather than look for practical solutions to their difficulties, Fours are prone to fantasizing about a saviour who will rescue them from their unhappiness.
Intellectual Fours tend to mistakenly type themselves as Fives, and a heavy wing can certainly exacerbate this tendency. Fours however, unlike Fives, tend to be self-revealing and comfortable with emotional expression.
At their best: Warm, refined, supportive,
expressive, inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and
transform their experiences.
At their worst: Depressed, guilt-ridden,
moralistic, stubborn, withdrawn, self-absorbed, they can withdraw into their
world of fantasy and imagination.
What do I think of myself?
1. I genuinely feel quite
special. 2. Experiences
go deeper with me than with most. 3. I tend to do things with
panache and style. 4. I sometimes feel I'm locked in my past. 5. The symbolic in life attracts me.
6. I am often taken up with
thoughts of loss, pain and death. 7. I find an emotional outlet in dramatic presentation
or expression. 8. My mood swings from very high to very low; in
between is dull. 9. People feel I look down on them and am
somehow snobbish. 10. I am no stranger to depression. 11. I
often seem to whine about what's going wrong in my life. 12. I
frequently wish I had others' gifts and talents. 13.
Anything that offends good taste offends me. 14. I
am often misunderstood. 15. I like to
surround myself with beautiful things.
16. I empathize so deeply with
others that I can really feel their hurt.
17. Life is tough, but I try to smile away the tears. 18. I rarely think of myself as being ordinary. 19. I tend to avoid fuss in my
dress. 20. I don't seem to be as happy as others are. 21. Many
people are just not able to understand how I feel. 22. I'm more upset than most about the ending
of relationships. 23. People think of me
as being over‑dramatic. 24. I
often wonder if I react to situations with enough depth of feeling. 25. I
appreciate most art forms and consider myself artistic.
What do I miss because of my distorted style?
1) The spontaneous expression of your thoughts and
feelings. 2) A balanced, modulated life
style 3) intimacy: being close to others without fear of rejection or being
abandoned. 4) The sense of fulfilment
and satisfaction with what you have. 5)
Really having what you want against yearning for it. 6) The sense of being connected by your
common humanity, being a part of the whole as against an island
FOURS with a THREE
wing
tend to be extroverted, confident, ambitious, flamboyant, and image-conscious.
FOURS with FIVE wing tend to be
more introverted, intellectual, idiosyncratic, reserved, and depressed.
FOURS with THREES
Traits in conflict: Relational
Distance
-too special -superficial
-introverts, withdrawn -extroverts,
popular
-vulnerable, low self-esteem -well-defended,
high self-esteem
Balancing}-immobilised by
feelings-------> -geared
to action
Points: } -concern for reality --------------> -openness to meeting others
-"real" relationships -------------> -group orientation
FOURS with FIVES
Traits in reinforce: Social Insecurity
-withdrawn because -withdrawn
because
feelings are special -out
of touch with feelings
-to protect their feelings -protect
their security
Balancing}-feeling
orientation--------------> -logic
& orderliness
Points:
} -exaggerated style --------------> -sense of privacy, quiet
-"really real"
---------------------> -dignity
When
FOURS
move toward the positive side of ONE, they:
-become more
self-disciplined and grounded in the here and now
-do more problem
solving and become more practical
-shift to
accentuating (emphasising) more of the positive and less of the negative
-act on their
strong ideals and principles
-become less
controlled by their feelings
When FOURS move toward the negative side of ONE, they feel
critical, judgmental, and angry that no one does anything right; moralise and
preach at people; feel guilty for not living up to their own expectations.
When
FOURS
move toward the negative side of TWO, they:
-try to
manipulate others into loving them in the mistaken belief that another's love
will replace their own emptiness and loneliness
-deny and repress
their own needs
-become overly
dependent
-possibly become
ill to get attention or to be special
When FOURS
move
toward the positive side of TWO, they connect
with people in meaningful ways, become less self-absorbed and meet others'
needs with healthy detachment.
1)
Live in the present with all its troubles. If you are ever
to become happy and content you cannot remain fixed in idealisations and
flights of fantasy. Get in touch with your anger; focus it; and use it to get
what you want against turning your anger against yourself, feeling depressed,
and believing you don't deserve or can't attain what you want.
2) Stop
envying others and making comparisons. Find the
extraordinary in the ordinary. Accept your unique parcel of talents. Use your envy to help you appreciate the
values around you and to find those values in yourself.
3) Accept
that the self is not identical with feelings. Realise you are
already "original" you don't have to be eccentric or make yourself
special. Search for the beloved within you, and not outside you.
4) Use your talents productively, no matter how
insignificant your efforts may seem. Take an action-oriented, problem-centred
approach; think about what you can do about the problem as opposed to bemoaning
your fate.
5) Avoid
rehearsing everything in your imagination, especially when it
involves over-romantic or negative feelings. Stay in the here and now and
realise that right now you have all you need to be happy.
1. I now release turning my anger
and aggressions against myself.
2. I NOW RELEASE all self-hatred and
self-contempt.
3. I NOW RELEASE all feelings of hopelessness
and despair.
4. I NOW RELEASE all self-sabotaging thoughts
and actions.
5. I NOW RELEASE feeling that I am inadequate
and defective.
6. I NOW RELEASE the fear that I am unimportant
and undesirable.
7. I NOW RELEASE feeling shameful and
misunderstood by others.
8. I NOW RELEASE being distraught, fatigued, and
inhibited.
9. I NOW RELEASE feeling that people always let me down.
10. I NOW RELEASE all unrealistic expectations of
myself and others.
11. I NOW RELEASE all claims of needing to be
treated differently.
12. I NOW RELEASE all self-indulgence in my
emotions and behaviour.
13. I NOW RELEASE all self-doubt and emotional
vulnerability.
14. I NOW RELEASE wanting to protect myself by
withdrawing from others.
15. I NOW RELEASE all wasteful fantasies and
romantic longings.
16. I NOW RELEASE dwelling on the past to prolong
my feelings.
17. I now affirm that I am not
defined by my feelings.
18. I NOW AFFIRM that only the feelings I act on
express who I am.
19. I NOW AFFIRM that I open myself up to people
and the world.
20. I NOW AFFIRM that I use all of my experiences
to grow.
21. I NOW AFFIRM the goodness of my life, my
friends, and myself.
22. I NOW AFFIRM that I love myself and treat
myself gently.
23. I NOW AFFIRM that I am free of the damage of
my past.
24. I NOW AFFIRM that I am transforming my life
into something higher.
25. I NOW AFFIRM that I am bringing something
good and beautiful into the world.
A) Lord God, I realise that I move from ecstatic joy to
inexpressible sadness. In my many inner struggles I find it difficult, Lord, to
accept help. You have helped me through my wounds to have the sensitivity and
intuition to understand at depth the emotions of others. You have taught me,
Lord, to value the normal, the ordinary and everyday realities of life as your
gift to me. Christ,
have mercy.
B) Lord God, I thank you for
giving me a keen eye for beauty and a special sensitivity to the human heart.
Show me how even the most ordinary and everyday realities are filled with the
wonder of your presence. Help me to live in the present moment and to
appreciate that my tears and laughter, joy and pain are part of your loving plan
for the world. Amen.
(Read
one paragraph at a time and reflect)
1. Do not pay so much attention to your
feelings; they are not a true source of support for you, as you probably
already know. Remember this advice:
"From our present perspective, we can also see that one of the most
important mistakes Fours make is to equate themselves with their feelings. The fallacy is that to understand themselves
they must understand their feelings, particularly their negative ones, before
acting. Fours do not see that the self
is not the same as its feelings or that the presence of negative feelings does
not preclude the presence of good in themselves". Always remember that
your feelings are telling you something about yourself as you are at this
particular moment, not necessarily more than that.
2. Avoid putting off things until you are
"in the right mood." Commit yourself to productive, meaningful work
that will contribute to your good and that of others, no matter how small the
contribution may be. Working consistently in the real world will create a
context in which you can discover yourself and your talents. (Actually, you are
happiest when you are working--that is, activating your potentials and
realising yourself.) You will not "find yourself " in a vacuum or
while waiting for inspiration to strike, connect--and stay connected--with the
real world.
3. Self-esteem and self-confidence will
develop only having Positive experiences, whether or not you believe that you
are ready to have them. Therefore, put yourself in the way of good. Commit
yourself to something that will be good for you. You may never feel that you are ready to take
on a challenge of some sort that you always need more time. (Fours typically
never feel that they are sufficiently Atogether,"
but they must nevertheless have the courage to stop putting off their lives.)
Even if you start small, commit yourself to doing something that will bring out
the best in you.
4. A wholesome self-discipline takes many
forms, from sleeping regular hours to working regularly to exercising
regularly, and has a cumulative, strengthening effect. Since it comes from yourself, a healthy
self-discipline is not contrary to your freedom or individuality. On the other hand, sensuality, excessive
sexual experiences, alcohol, drugs, sleep, or fantasising have a debilitating
effect on you, as you already know.
Therefore, practice healthy self-discipline and stay with it.
5. Avoid lengthy conversations in your
imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively
romantic. These conversations are
essentially unreal and at best only, rehearsals for action -- although, as you
know, you almost never say, or do what you imagine you will. Instead of spending time imagining your life
and relationships, begin to live them.
6. Talk openly with someone you trust. This need not be a therapist, although it
might be. You need both to express your
feelings spontaneously and to have someone react honestly. You may well discover that you are not as
different or as much of an outsider as you sometimes feel you are. Paradoxically, one of the surest ways of
"finding yourself" is by being in a relationship with someone else.
7. Community service of some kind will make you
less self-conscious and give you a better perspective on yourself. There are good things in you that you have
kept hidden, possibly even from yourself.
Find out what they are by getting involved in practical service.
8. Do not succumb to self-pity or to complaining
about your parents, thoughts of your unhappy childhood, your unfulfilled past,
your failed relationships, and how no one understands you. Someone would likely understand you if you
made a real effort to communicate. (One of your type's unhealthy claims is
that you have been damaged by your upbringing and are therefore exempt from
having realistic expectations of any sort placed on you.) Use your
self-knowledge to be aware of the true effects of your negative attitudes. Do not undermine your self-esteem: doing so
will only make things worse for yourself.
9. Do not take everything so personally --do
not be touchy or hypersensitive, always thinking that every remark is aimed at
you. And even if one occasionally is, do
not go over it in your mind. After all,
a critical or hostile remark does not reflect the whole truth about you. In a sense, you have to be more critical of
the remarks of others and less critical of yourself. This may also involve learning to defend
yourself better, to speak up more spontaneously, and to not allow yourself to
be taken advantage of by others.
10. You are a better friend to others than you are
to yourself. You tend to say and do
things to yourself that you would never dream of saying or doing to anyone
else. You are more hostile to yourself
than to others, more contemptuous, and less interested in your own true welfare
than you should be. In fact, it is easy,
for you to take more interest in someone else's life than in your own. Cliché
though it is, become a friend to yourself.
Stand up for yourself and give yourself a chance.
Biblical
references for number four
(Reflect on one quote a day during meditation)
A) Sinfulness to Pray through...
1. FOURS are dissatisfied. Lk 24: 13-35.
Disciples on the road to Emmaus. Jesus
can enter into their disappointment.
2. FOURS can't be ordinary or natural. Mk 10:13-16.
Children found Jesus easy to be with.
3. FOURS romanticise feeling. Mt 5:37.
Jesus calls to simplicity of expression.
4. FOURS lack joy. Phil 4:4-9. Be happy, always happy in the Lord.
5. FOURS are envious. Jm 4:1-3.
Envy is a source of disunity and leads to fights and battles.
6. FOURS are complainers. Jon 4. The prophet complains. God answers.
7. FOURS hold on to hurts and pain. Mk 10:46-52.
Eagerness of Bartimaeus to be free of his suffering and Jesus' response.
8. FOURS are inadaptable. Mt 15:21-28.
Cure of the daughter of the Canaanite woman. Jesus adapts his mission to reach out to this
non-Israelite.
9. FOURS are aloof, disdaining, snobbish.
10. FOURS are
elitist and don't relate easily with the common clay. Mt 9:9-13.
Call of Matthew and eating with sinners.
Tax collectors and sinners are very comfortable with Jesus.
11. FOURS
entertain an elaborate fantasy life. It
keeps them out of touch with realty. .
Lk 9:28-36. Transfiguration.
Peter wants to continue the experience; Jesus invites him into the
crowd.
12. FOURS are not comfortable with
themselves. Is 43:1-5. God calls them by name and finds then,
precious.
13. FOURS are serious and seem never to find real
happiness - Lk 19: 1 - I 0. See Jesus with Zacchaeus and notice his delighted
response.
14. FOURS are preoccupied with death which they
dread. Lk 10:29-37. Good Samaritan. FOURS need to reach out to others in need in
order to overcome their darkness.
15. FOURS are depressed. Ps 22.
Prayer of Jesus on the cross.
Notice how his honest naming of his pain and struggle ended in
thanksgiving.
16. FOURS talk
when out of control.
17. FOURS play
roles and are on stage most of the time.
Mt 23:8-12. Jesus warns against
playing roles such as Rabbi and Teacher.
18. FOURS are
self-centred. I Jn 3:16-20. Love is real and active.
19. FOURS try to
control their environment. Mk 8:27-33. Peter confronts Jesus and tries to
control the mission.
20. FOURS have
expectations for their friends and are not
loyal if others don't conform. Lk
22:31-34. Jesus prays for Peter and
remains faithful to one who denies him.
21. FOURS lack
spontaneity. Mk 1:40-45. Cure of the leper. Look at the natural responses and feelings
of Jesus.
22. FOURS are removed from the messy work and resist
it. Qo 3:1-8. There is a season for everything in the human
condition.
23. FOURS are brittle; there is no flow in their
lives. Jm 5:7-11. Be in tune with the normal process of life.
24. FOURS are
over analytical. Jb 38-39. Job bows to the wisdom of God which is beyond
human understanding.
25. FOURS find it hard to relate to a group. Mk 6:30-44.
Jesus lets go of his own needs to be with the crowd in its need.
26. FOURS are
over sensitive to rejection. Jn
18:33-40. Jesus before Pilate. See his experience and response to rejection.
27. FOURS are loners. Gn 2:18-24.
God says it is not good for man to be alone or woman either!
28. FOURS are
unforgiving. Mt 18:21-35. Seventy times seven you must forgive. Forgiveness is the condition for a
relationship with God.
1. FOURS appreciate and foster beauty in the
world around them. Si 43:13-37. Delight in the wonders of nature.
2. FOURS are sensitive to the outer world. Lk 10:23-24.
Happy are those who have seen and heard what you have seen and heard.
3. FOURS have the gift of expressing themselves
artistically. Lk 1:67-79. Zechariah's beautiful expressing of God's
gifting in the Benedictus.
4. FOURS are sensitive to people. Jn 2:1-12.
Mary's sensitivity at
5. FOURS are in touch with the energy of life. 1
Jn 1: 1-4. Be present to the experience
of Jesus and its power.
6. FOURS are natural ecumenists. Ac 10:34-36. Anyone of any nationality who
fears God is acceptable to him/her.
7. FOURS do not separate the sacred and the
secular. All is sacred. I Jn 4:1-3.
Ability to recognise the Spirit in human life.
8. FOURS are at home in the world of the unconscious. Rm 8:1-13.
Life in the Spirit.
9. FOURS are refined and cultured. Ep 4:25-32.
The importance of respecting one another.
10. FOURS are creative and imaginative
persons. Jr 18:1-12. Potter's artistic and creative gift.
I 1. FOURS are
good-mannered. Ep 4:1-6. Live a life worthy of your call.
12. FOURS are deep. I Cor 2:10-14. Depths of God in the human spirit.
13. FOURS are
sensitive to the emotional tone of a group.
Jn 13:1-16. Sensitivity of Jesus
to the feelings of his disciples in the scene.
14. FOURS have the capacity to change painful
experiences of life into something beautiful. 2 Cor 4:16-18. The outer body is decaying, the inner is
being renewed.
15. FOURS bring
themselves to what they are doing. They
become involved in the present. I Cor
3:10-17. You must work carefully.
16. FOURS are very generous when asked to spend
themselves on a project. They do it
well. is 6:1-9. Isaiah's willingness to
serve.
17. FOURS recognise others' talents. I Cor 10:31-33. 1 try to be helpful to everyone. I do not look only for my own advantage.
18. FOURS can appreciate the ordinary and simple
things of life. Ps 8. 1 see your
heavens, moon and stars.
Reflection & Meditation For
Number FOUR
(Reflect
on this once a week for a month)
Awareness
Deep down I'm envious.
That's my brokenness. I'm usually too ashamed or too caught up in my own
feelings to admit this. I'm so afraid of the pain of rejection. I long to be
special, to be different, somehow to rise above the ordinary and the mundane. I
am especially sensitive to beauty in all its forms. I love anything which is
simple, natural, authentic. My standards are so high that the more I try to
reach them, the more artificial I become. I can't help comparing myself with
people who have more talent, taste, sophistication and class than I have and
longing to be somehow superior.
I envy them the ease with
which they seem to live their lives. It's easier for me to live in memories,
dreams and the world of the arts than in the everyday world, where the mess is
part of the reality. I have real problems with intimacy and distance. What I
have, I don't value; what I long for, I treasure. I'm regularly disappointed by
life and this makes me sad. Why is it that others seem to have it all? Even in
my relationships I'm jealous of others being somehow more interesting or
attractive than I am. I'm ashamed of my body, my inner turmoil disgusts me and
I regularly run myself down. Is it any wonder that I have a poor self‑image?
Advice
For us the movement is from
the romanticized memories of the past and the hoped‑for visions of the
future to the humdrum reality of the present. We need to learn to be at ease
and content with the way things are, understanding that "God is in the
pots and pans" (Teresa of Avila), that we meet God in the ordinary, the
everyday, the mundane, the pedestrian, the hackneyed. Rather than bemoan
people's misunderstanding of who we are, we should try to use our talents for
drama, ritual, art, music, poetry and symbol to give a powerful voice to those
who cannot speak as eloquently or protest as imaginatively as we can. But we
must not be surprised if it takes time for us to readjust our priorities in
this way.
Attention
Our tendency is to live on
the inside and over‑emphasize our feelings. But, if we are to grow
spiritually, it is vital that we learn to get our feelings in perspective, and
get some balance into the relationship between our inner life and the messy
reality around us. Yoga, massage, or aromatherapy may help us relax and become
less intense. Journaling (keeping a record of what's happening in our lives)
may help us distance ourselves from our feelings, and is a useful safety‑valve
for externalizing our inner concerns. Since relationships are very important to
us, shared prayer and liturgy, and getting involved in social justice issues,
can be especially meaningful and 1ife‑giving.
Scripture meditation for
Number FOUR
(One quote a week)
1) Matthew 6:25‑34 (Everything is in God's
hands)
Nothing is ordinary in God's sight. Even the birds of the air and the grass in the fields take on a numinous significance, an eternal aspect which reflects the tender care of the Creator. We are no less special or cared for than they are. The ordinary is energized when seen in this light, and distinctions between sacred and secular disappear.
2) Matthew 18.23‑35
(The unforgiving steward)
Jesus tells us that when we
are consumed with our own self-interest we lose our sense of proportion, our
compassion and our sensitivity to others.
3) Mark 10:13‑16 (Like little children)
Children are still open to
the wonder of life. They have not lost their delight in the everyday.
Familiarity has not yet led them to contempt. They see the beauty of things
with innocent eyes and listen to their truth with a welcoming heart.
4) John 19:1 ‑11 (Being crowned with
thorns)
Jesus experienced
abandonment and rejection in dramatic fashion towards the end of his life. But,
however humiliated, he relied on God's help and placed himself in God's care.
5) John 2:1‑12 (The wedding at
Everyday elements (water and
wine) combined with a discerning heart can transform impending disasters into
celebrations of joy. Like Jesus and Mary we can bring happiness to others by
our sensitivity to their needs.